People Doing Things They are not Allowed to do at Hogwarts!
by The-Slytherin-Alchemist
Summary: Due to a request, I've started writing this! Vote on a rule to break from my other fic, and I'll write it! This story combines modern fads with the characters from Hogwarts we all know and love. Except Voldemort. No one loves Voldemort. Crack if you squint.
1. Chapter 1

**Me: Hello! It's me, the Alchemist, back with this story! I got a request on my other fic, Things I am not Allowed to do at Hogwarts (if you haven't read it, go check it out, it's not necessary, but it is helpful) to do something like this! If you have any suggestions, constructive** **criticism** **, or questions,** **review** **and I'll do my best to reply!**

 **Adam: I think you forgot** **something** **...**

 **Me: Right, introductions! *** ** _Looks at characters whose last names I've stolen from anime*_**

 **Me: Please welcome my OCs, Rue Elric, Vivian Schnee, and Adam Vargas!**

 **Vivian: Something else...**

 **Rue: Something like the disclaimer...**

 **Me: Right! I totally remembered that!**

 **Me: *** ** _with heavy sarcasm_** *** I'm totally white and British, I own Harry Potter!**

 _ **I don't own Harry Potter. I only own my OCs.**_

 **~oOo~**

 **1) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs.**

Rue walked toward the kitchens with the rest of the New Marauders. She was holding a can of blue paint, and she was going to do something that would go down in Hogwarts history.

"You say that every time." said Adam.

"Maybe I do." she said, "But this is a good one."

"Better than sending Snape a bottle of shampoo?" asked Vivian.

"Nothing could be better than that! Did you see his _face_?" said Rue.

"What about putting Hans Christian Anderson's Book of Fairy tales in the library under history?" Pressed Vivian.

"Maybe…" said Rue. "Either way, it will be funny when there is a village of smurfs outside and-"

"Where are you getting smurfs?" asked Adam.

Rue lifted the can of blue paint. "Where do you think, my friend?"

Vivian gasped. "Are you…"

"Yep." Rue said happily. "I'm gonna paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs!"

Vivian sighed. "Fine. Just- ugh."

Rue smirked and pulled out a paintbrush. "Let's get this party started!"

After getting very messy, Rue, Adam, and Vivian got the 'smurfs' outside and went to sleep.

The next morning, the trio woke up to a shout of, "WHY THE HELL ARE THERE SMURFS OUTSIDE?"

 **Hehe, foolish mortals. This is tame. Next time, it'll be better. I hope.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello! It's ya girl, the Alchemist! Um... I have something I want to warn you about...**

 **I'm going to China over winter break to visit my relatives.**

 **And I'm moving, but I digress.**

 **The thing is, I might not be able to update while in China.**

 _ **Crowd boos**_

 ***Ducks tomatoes and stuff* So I probably won't be able to update from December to January.**

 **Anyways, DISCLAIMER!**

 **I do not own the epicness that is Harry Potter because I can't finish even one original story.**

 **ONTO MY SAD WRITING!**

 **~oOo~**

2) I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.

Rue listened to Malfoy whine about Potter. She smirked, remembering the night that everyone of drinking age- and a few that weren't- took a shot each time Malfoy said "Potter", AKA the night Madame Pomfrey had to save the whole Slytherin dorm from alcohol poisoning.

That same night she entertained the idea of Malfoy being gay for Potter. But that's a story for another time.

As she cleared her head, Adam walked over to Rue with a piece of paper and a prank idea.

"Hey, Rue." Adam lowered his voice. "So for our next prank, I think we should replicate the Great Stink Bomb Incident with dungbombs."

"Oh, that'd be hilarious. So, if we planted them here, along with some smoke bombs-"

"The dung would fall onto their heads-"

"Why don't you two take your date somewhere else?" asked Malfoy. _Rude_.

"Why don't you pull the astronomy tower out of your- mmph!" Rue said

"Yeah, Vargas, restrain your mudblood girlfriend-"

 _Oh crap he hit a nerve._ Was all that went through the watching wizard's eyes as they saw Adam's hand tightening around his wand.

"You know." said Adam in a dangerous voice, "Do you think he'd quit yapping if he were dead, Rue?"

Rue smirked "Oh, definitely." One of the perks of having your puberty earlier than boys was being taller than them. Rue stood up, an aura of power drifting around her. She drew her wand and pressed it against his chin, forcing him to look up at her.

"Goodbye." was all she said before Malfoy dove out of the nearby window.

Rue and Adam started laughing.

"Did you see his face?" he said, nearly falling over.

"Ohmygod I don't even know that curse! He fell for it!" Rue snickered.

"A-hem."

They looked up to see Professor McGonagall standing over them.

 _Oh sh*t_ was the last thing they thought before the verdict fell.

 **~oOo~**

"We get detention, he breaks a leg. And arm. And rib." said Adam

"Worth it." Rue declared.

 **~oOo~**

 **That would have been fun to watch. If you want to know where I get there from, check out my other fic,** ** _Things I am Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts._** ***Shameless self promotion***

 **Reviews make for a happy writer!**

 **...Well, not if you tell me my writing is bullcrap.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Me: I have a story no one asked for or wanted!**

 **Me: So during the elections of 2016, we had student counsel elections. One of the posters put up said "If you can't vote for Trump or for Hillary, vote for me!"**

 **Me: And I think that summed up the quality of the candidates pretty well.**

 **Me: Let's play a fun game of find all the references! First person to find them all gets a** **shout out** **!**

 **Me:** **Je ne possède ni Harry Potter ni aucun autre fandom référencé dans ce chapitre!**

 **~oOo~**

3) I am not allowed to Accio the clothing of any person while they are wearing it.

Rue was bored. So very bored. Bored bored bored bored bored bored BORED! God, she was steps away from doing something so juvenile, she'd regret it. Like summoning someone's clothes…

Oh, that's actually a pretty good one.

 _I'm gonna regret this_ , she thought, _but YOLO, right?_

"Accio Draco Malfoy's shoes." she whispered

Malfoy slipped and fell as his shoes wrenched themselves off his feet. They zoomed towards the spot where Rue summoned them, hitting many people on the way.

"ARGHHH!" he yelled, as she moved away from the spot.

Laughter rang through the halls as Rue picked her next target.

Ivan Braginski… too scary, she didn't want to risk being hit by a metal pipe. Blake Belladonna was nice, if a bit of a loner. No reason to do it to her. Peter Kirkland… she dismissed the thought as soon as it entered her head. He would be a good contact to have later, and his siblings would definitely murder her. Winry Rockbell was a menace with her wrench, so no. Kimblee, however… nah, too scary. Eren Yeager? Hard pass, she didn't want them to think it was because he had a thing for Levi Ackerman. Said people were an adorable couple. ARGH THERE WAS NO ONE TO PRANK!

 _Crabbe and Goyle_ , her mind whispered.

But pranking them is so boring! They don't even _care!_

 _DO IT!_ Her brain yelled. _Smith would make a good target as well!_

She smirked.

Meanwhile, Zacharias Smith sneezed so hard he knocked his homework off the table.

 _Why do I feel like someone's talking about me?_ He wondered

 **~oOo~**

Rue walked into the Great Hall and sat at the Ravenclaw table next to Vivian. The entire table was abuzz with gossip about what happened to Malfoy, and it took all her self control not to laugh like an evil maniac.

Rue discreetly pulled out her wand and thought, _Hold on, if I summon the clothes, it'll go to me, so I should probably move them to somewhere else._

With a quiet whisper of "Locomotor Crabbe's Robe!", she practically ripped his robe off his body and moved them so they sat innocently under Professor Snape's chair. Everyone started laughing as Crabbe got up (Rue made sure to slam him on the ground extra hard) and stumbled over to get his robe. However…

Crabbe was only wearing boxers under his robes.

Screams of pain resonated through the hall as he quickly shoved his robe back on and sat down to stuff his face. Rue herself went to the bathroom to compose herself and abort the plan.

Regret.

Regret so hard.


	4. Chapter 4

**Me: Well, let's get this party started! I hope my plot bunny doesn't die! Anyways, we have two special guests** **today** **! Please welcome... Fred and** **George** **Weasley!**

 **Gred and Forge: Hi.**

 **Me: Why** **don't** **you two say the disclaimer? *Cleans gun***

 **Fred: The Slytherin Alchemist**

 **George: does not own**

 **Fred: Harry Potter**

 **George: because she**

 **Gred and Forge: is not** **blond** **!**

 **~oOo~**

4) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that The Knights Who Say Duh have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Duh' from various directions.

Vivian was thinking of pranking ideas. Partially because she was bored, but also because her idiot friends had gotten themselves into detention and they asked her to think up another idea. It was like they wanted to get detention. Hmph.

"Hello Vivian!" Fred- or was it George- said

"What brings"

"You here"

"Today?"

"Oh nothing, really. Rue and Adam got detention again." said Vivian

"Idiots."

"Letting themselves get caught."

"Yeah. Anyways, I'm waiting for them to get back."

As if on cue, Rue and Adam walked into the library and flopped onto the chairs.

"How bad was it?" asked Vivian

"We had to clean out the hospital bedpans without magic." mumbled Adam

"Yeah, that's pretty far up there." Vivian sighed. "Honestly, you two."

"So, any good i-" Rue cut herself off in the middle of her sentence. She looked at the Weasley twins suspiciously. "And why, pray tell, are they here?"

"Because we"

"Want to help"

"You three with pranking!"

Rue let out a deep sigh. "Fine. How do you feel about replacing the pumpkin juice at the teacher's table with Coke?"

"We are not replacing it with cocaine-" retorted Vivian

"I meant like the drink." Rue said

"Oh… that'd be funny."

"We'll we've had" said Fred

"An idea for" said George

"A long time!" they chorused together

"What is it?" Rue asked

"We tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights who say Duh have challenged him to a battle"

"Then every time someone says duh,"

"He'll run toward them and challenge them to a duel!"

"And whenever it gets boring,"

"We set up speakers that will say duh!"

"That would… actually be really funny!" Adam thought out loud.

"Do it."

With a unanimous vote, the 5 dispersed to set up the prank.

 **~oOo~**

The next day, Rue walked up to Sir Cadogan and told him "Sir Cadogan, the Knights who say Duh have challenged you to a fight! Do you accept?"

Sir Cadogan accepted, no questions asked. All was going according to plan.

"At some point today, one of the Knights are going to say "Duh". That is how you'll know who they are."

Vivian smirked and pressed a button labeled _Great Hall_.

"Duh."

 **~oOo~**

It took many days for the staff to convince Sir Cadogan that there was no such thing as the Knight who said Duh, and to stop running around any time someone said duh.

 **~oOo~**

 **Me: Well, as you can see, this little guy died about 5 seconds in! *slaps dead plot bunny* I know that technology doesn't work at Hogwarts, just bear with me, ok?**

 **Me: R &R pleases! They make a very happy writer!**


	5. Chapter 5

**I'M SORRY SCHOOL IS A PIECE OF CRAP I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING I GOTTA GET BACK TO WORK ENJOY I'M SORRY FOR ANY ERRORS.**

5) I will not charm the Great Hall doors to shout "You will not pass!" every time someone tries to get in. Even if Professor Dumbledore thinks it's funny

Rue was so frustrated. _All I want to do,_ she thought, her malignant purple aura causing everyone within a 20 foot to back away from the Hufflepuff, _is to find a stupid spell that'll show them that I'm not an-_

Adam sat down next Rue, startling her out of her internal monologue. "Hey Rue. So, uh…" he gestured at the aura that wrapped around Rue like a cocoon, "Explanation about the aura that burns with the pain and agony of a thousand suns?"

Rue scowled. "Shush, Adam. I got things to do, stuff to work on."

Adam studied her face. She looked like she would commit murder if someone looked at her in the wrong way, like an angry sociopath.

"It was them again, wasn't it?" asked Adam. When Rue didn't reply, he said, "Well there is a spell I know. It's called ' _et dices intercluderent'_ and it blocks someone out of somewhere and gives them a message. You have to add their full names after intercluderent, though."

"That is…" Rue thought a little, "AMAZING! Oh my god, I love you so much I owe you a big one!" She glomped him and gave him a little kiss on the cheek. Adam turned bright red as Rue waved at him, then skipped past a big poster for a karaoke contest and out of the library.

"You have it bad." said a voice behind him. Adam turned around to see Vivi plopping down in the spot previously occupied by Rue.

"Yeah, I do." sighed Adam

After awhile of comfortable silence, Vivi asked, "So, what happened before Rue turned into a bipolar prankster?"

Adam looked at Vivi weirdly "You don't know- oh right, we didn't tell you, and it's not exactly a fact Rue advertises to everyone." He sighed, then continued with the story. "Rue's older sister, Dia, was also a witch."

"Wait- Dia, as in, like, Dia Elric, popular girl in the house of morons?"

"Yeah. Anyways, before they went to Hogwarts, they were the best of friends. Dia got sorted into Gryffindor, and what they don't tell you about Gryffindors is that they aren't super open minded. I think Dia became friends with the popular Gryffindors, who thought Ravenclaws were nerds and Hufflepuffs were useless and Slytherins were evil. Along the way, she also started dating this guy who hated people who didn't fit his perfect world. Rue, as you know, is a Hufflepuff and Dyslexic."

Vivi let out a deep sigh. "How could I not, she makes so many 'I put the sexy on dyslexia, oh wait' jokes that everyone knows this."

Adam laughed. "Yep. But he didn't like Rue, and Dia's friends didn't like Rue, so she ended up just ignoring them while they were bullying Rue. She never forgave Dia for that."

Vivi looked mad. Like, really mad. "First, I will murder Rue for not telling me that, and second, what spell did you give her, I wanna give her some tips for the prank."

" _Et dices intercluderent_ " replied Adam. "And don't hurt her- too badly."

~oOo~

Vivi pulled Rue into an alcove on the basement floor near the Hufflepuff dorms. "What the heck, Ruena? I thought we were friends. And yes," Vivi snarled at Rue's confused look, "Adam told me about your sister."

"I'm sorry, but you must be a level 5 friend to unlock my tragic backstory." Rue joked.

Vivi let out a deep loud sigh and hid her hand in her face.

"What am I going to do with you?"

"Um…

"And what are you two doing?"

Rue looked over Vivi's shoulder, and her entire demeanor changed. She went from happy go lucky to Mean Girl at the sight of Dia. Vivi made a quiet note to herself to check if Rue was bipolar.

"Not each other, if that's what you're wondering. Or drugs. Or taxes." Rue barged past Dia and went to the common room.

Vivi sighed again. "Why me? Why do I have to deal with a bipolar ADHD dyslexic prankster?" _Cause she's your friend, you know what you signed up to when you became her pranking buddy._

Vivi sighed and glared at Dia, who had left so quickly Vivi almost got whiplash. Vivi then yelled through the barrels that protected the Hufflepuff common room. "WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS LATER, RUE! MEET US IN THE BASE AFTER DINNER."

~oOo~

 _After dinner, in the Room of Requirement_

Vivi was the first to reach the room, followed by Adam dragging a clearly reluctant Rue.

"Alright, first order, we-" here Vivi gestured at "Are going to help you prank."

"We are?" Adam asked "I mean- of course we are!" He stammered at Vivi's glare

Rue laughed, her mood clearly changed. "Well, my minions, first, I know all of their full names. So… let's get pranking! And for the karaoke thing, I think we should do _Life is Fun_."

"NO!"

"Why not?"

"BECAUSE!"

"That's not an _answer_ ~"

~oOo~

Rue crept through the dark hallways up to the Great Hall. Their plan? Put the spell on the Great Hall door so it would say "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Whenever Dia and her cohorts tried to walk in.

Once she reached the door, she pulled out her wand and whispered, " _Et dices intercluderent Dia Elric, Cardin Winchester, Hana Daidaiyama, Hoshiko Mizudori, Musume Ronshaku._ "

She then crept back to the Hufflepuff dorms, giggling all the way.

~oOo~

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

Rue nearly laughed her ass off as she walked past them, evil grin sneaking up her face. "What, having trouble with your grades?" she asked

She turned and walked through the doors, not looking back once.

Bullies- 0. Rue- 1.

~oOo~

"It's not funny anymore, Ms. Elric. Take it off."

"Professor Dumbledore likes it!"

"They're starving, Rue."

"Good for them."

~oOo~

 **An omake for waiting for my update! School is shit so if there are any spelling mistakes, plot holes, or grammar issues, I'm sorry.**

OMAKE:

Rue stepped on the stage took a deep breath. She had somehow convinced Adam to be a meme child. The spotlight hit him. She took a deep breath and watched him start singing.

"This is the worst team I have ever played with in my life,

When we finally get on the point everyone dies,"

Every sing muggle born or half blood started SCREAMING in joy.

"I understand that every now and then a team won't click

But when it comes to you I don't think I can sympathise

You should have picked Mercy

You should have picked any kind of support

We ended up losing

And it's all your fault

You should learn how this game works

You should have been helping…"

Rue took a deep breath and yelled

" _IF YOU LIKE MERCY SO MUCH, WHY DON'T YOU JUST MARRY HER?!_

 _So your the type that gets on mike and tries to lecture me,_

 _When you're the most useless person we have on our team,_

 _I've never seen anybody rage quite as hard as you,_

 _Maybe you should go back to playing Team Fortress Two,_

 _I'm not gonna be Mercy_

 _I'm not gonna be any kind of support_

 _We ended up losing and you got all mad_

 _Your tears are what I live for._ "

"You should have been Mercy" Adam sang

" _I'm not gonna be any kind of support"_ Rue sang back

"We ended up losing

And it's all your fault."

" _Your tears are what I live for."_

"Maybe I'll be Tracer" sang Adam

" _I'm already Tracer."_ sang Rue and all of the other meme children.

"What about Widowmaker?"

" _I'm already Widowmaker"_

"I'll be Bastion."

" _NERF Bastion."_

"You're right so Winston."

" _I wanna be Winston."_

"I guess I'll be Genji."

" _I'm already Genji."_

"Then I'll be McCree."

" _I already chose McCree."_

"I have an idea."

" _What's your idea?"_

"You should be…"

" _I'm not gonna be Mercy."_

"You should have picked Mercy."

" _I'm not gonna be any kind of support."_

"We ended up losing,

And it's all your fault."

" _Your tears are what I live for,_

 _I'm not gonna be Mercy."_

"You should have picked any kind of support."

" _We ended up losing and you got all mad."_

"You should learn how this game works."

Rue and Adam bowed, every single muggleborn screaming and headbanging. Rue left with one final word:

"I'M ALREADY TRACER!"


End file.
